Four Houses
by Amarth Obstreperous
Summary: An anti sorting hat poem, which I wish the sorting hat would recite, as it might give everybody the opportunity for both interhouse and personal reflection.


Disclaimer: I do not own 'Harry Potter' or any of the elements within the series.

My prose and rhyming could use some work, but since this poem speaks from the heart, I am not that concerned.

It would never do such a thing, but I would love it if one year, the sorting hat sang something like this:

Listen oh witches, and wizards as well

And mark that I've such a tale to tell

For four founders long ago hatched up a plan

To build a great school, for all those in the land

Two witches, two wizards, each with a beast

And colors for their houses (you must have those at least)

They built seven floors, some dungeons and towers

And plumbing a basilisk could wind through for hours

Then with lake and with forest, and fields oh so green

It was said that the school was nifty and keen.

Then these four founders four houses did make

And all of them different students they'd take

For each founder was different, one brave and one sly

One smarter than all, one kind in reply

And the students they put in their own house and pot

Were only those they thought the best of the lot

And who were these students then, that they chose?

Why the ones that acted like them, so I'm told!

And if ever a student fit into none

Was not smart, brave, helpful, or pureblood

Why, if ever a youth thought to be his own self,

They'd just put him on kindly old Hufflepuff's shelf!

And that's why it's whispered in hallways and trains

That Hufflepuff's house is quite weak, and most lame

But enough about that, for I'm here to embellish

The traits of these houses (the ones I DON'T relish)

There's Gryffindor first, oh where to begin?

You'd think being selfish in there was a sin

For they're the good deed-doers, the pure and the brave,

Though the truth is they do own their own share of knaves

They have dunderheads, gigglers, slackers and boasters

Mischief-makers, rude jokers and textbook toasters

They say that they're righteous, and sometimes they are

But such niceties never do get one far

For no matter your heart, or your great sense of honor

It's never that good to be brave cannon fodder

Then Slytherin, down in the dungeons and vaults

They're Gryffindor's enemy, quite by default

For they hold their heads high, observe inferiority

Then justify and state their own superiority

On mudbloods and blood traitors do they look down

Over half-breeds and house-elves do they sneer and frown

True, their features do range from the worst to the best

But that's most likely due to mild incest

And what's worse is their gross ignorance about hate

They think being small-minded makes them so great

When it's knowing all people should be equal from birth

But looking down on them anyhow that's really the worst

Next Ravenclaw, oh, how glorious and great

The house of the thinkers…please help me escape!

For despite doing tests and enchantments quite well

I must say these scholars are nasty and dull

By their prefects and teachers they're told from the start

That of all the four houses, they're the most smart

But intelligence can't make you less of a fool

When you find yourself arrogant, gossipy and cruel

Oh house of the eagle, what students you've grown!

They snitch to their betters, they steal from their own

I tell you, clever minds are all fine and well

But to group them together? That's not so swell.

Last comes Hufflepuff, the lowliest one

Though they'll praise every game and trial they've won

For a Hufflepuff's proud to be simple and strong

Proud to be honest, and work all day long

And sometimes they're so proud they reek of pomposity

Conceited and anal, oh what a monstrosity!

And though they like effort and following rules,

To everyone else they just look like fools

See, it can't be much fun, oh it is such a pain

To be housed at the bottom of the Hogwarts food chain.

Now you've heard me belittle, and you've heard me curse

And you've heard me say nothing good, only the worst

You'll wonder why haven't I thought of what's nice?

Why've I only spoken of stupidity and vice?

You'll remind me of courage, of wisdom and ambition

Of people working loyally, of their own volition.

But the point that I'm honestly trying to make

Is that none of the houses are really that great.

They've each their own arrogance, their own faults and lies

Their own secrets and shames, their own downs and own highs

And their foolish ideas, which they won't lay to rest

For each of the houses believes they're the best

But as much as they'll protest, as much as they'll stutter

No house is really much better than another

No house shall be lost, and no house shall rule

For with just one house missing, there'd be no school.

And though they cause rivalry, and they cause hate

It's all houses combined that makes Hogwarts so great

Each one's just a quarter of mix from the batter

If you think otherwise, you're as mad as a hatter.

Read & Review.


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